anatomy of a breakup

i remember the way we fell in love, the way we fell out of it, and everything in between; how forever began with the chase and how it ended with all our memories in the boot of my car. this is the story of how i broke two hearts; hers and mine.

for five years, she was my comfort zone, my lover and my best friend. we spoke of forever, drew our future together, and even decided on our daughter's name, but instead of making all these grand plans become a reality, i threw us into the shredder.

i've seen it in movies, read it in books, and watched my friends go through it. but none of those ever prepared me for the hurricane of feelings a break up would bring. break up. what words to describe the separation of two inseparable beings. fuck a break up.

we could never get enough of each other. i could never imagine spending forever with anyone else. she was always there for me and we always had fun. nothing else ever mattered when i was holding onto her small hands. needless to say, we had our fair share of arguments, though it always worked out fine. except this time, it didn't.

in five years, i changed too much for the worse. i felt like i wanted to experience new things with new people. i wanted to be single so i could party with my single friends, meet single girls, and not give a single fuck. we didn’t just stop having feelings for each other. someone just had a lot of doubt and it ended. 

and that someone was me.

then i thought, "how could i fall out of love this fast?" i gave myself a lot time to think and i had a growing realization that what i wanted was maybe not what i wanted, but the opposite. i fell in love so young. i never got to meet myself, so how the fuck did i ever think i could meet other people?

i reread our letters, all our old texts, and stare at our polaroids still hanging on my wall. the truth is that i might always love her. i want to be alone but i just don't know how to. i guess this is where i find myself. i pushed myself into singledom, and now have to crawl my way out of this traverse world of heartbreak.

in another life, our stars will align and i can hear you laugh again because you will always be worth it. i have too much to say but this is enough for tonight.

i'm sorry and i miss you.