In view of my recent anxiety attacks, I feel like you should know about the first time I suffered from one.
"The first time is always the best time." That's what people say about kisses, holding hands or even having sex. My first anxiety attack was the worst compared to more recent ones. And I wish I could forget it, but we all want what we can't have.
It was 2015. I was in a foreign land. I was laying down on a pathetic excuse for a bed. It was cold and it was dark. The darkness seemed too black suddenly, the walls started to breathe and I felt like I was about to throw up the pizza I had earlier. My thoughts were racing and still. My mind was quiet and screaming. My body was as calm as dead and convulsing. All at the same time. It was amazing yet something I wish never to experience again.
And there she stood at the corner of the room. In total darkness, she was all I could see. I closed my eyes and I could hear her familiar footsteps walking towards the bed. Everything was so pronounced. IT WAS LIKE ALL MY 7 SENSES WERE TWEETING IN CAPS AND THEY WERE SPAMMING EXCLAMATION POINTS!
You know that feeling when your eyes are closed but the lights are on? Now imagine the brightness in your eyes slowly intensifying. I opened my eyes and she was floating above me.
Heart shaped kisses. I will forever remember the sight of her blowing heart shaped kisses from above. I don't remember much after that but all I could do was feel love and panic, both at once. I also remember her saying that she was happy. And I knew she was.
Now, the attacks I've been having recently are not as eventful as the one described above. And that's where the title of this post comes in. The anniversary effect is an increase in distress around the anniversary of a traumatic event.
I'm starting to feel like everyday is the anniversary of that traumatic attack.
I'm starting to feel like it's not a matter of whether it will happen again, but when.
I'm starting to feel like I'm in the past.
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